Learning my ABC's

A year ago, all I knew were my ABC's. My hands were awkward and shy. I was afraid.
Afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid of being inept, afraid of not fitting in. Afraid for my hearing loss. Afraid for my life.

And yes, while signing at a play party, instead of saying nice to meet you, I have signed nice to fuck you.

And while sitting on a city bench at a busy intersection, instead of saying to my friend, "a woman behind you just tripped and fell." I instead signed, "a woman behind you just tripped and died."

It all started with a new set of hearing aids and the news that my hearing is on it's way out. The news came to me the same way someone might say "garbage day is on Tuesday."

It started with learning, learning how to use a phone with assistive technology, how to set captions in color on Netflix, how to ask for what I need. It started with the ABC's and colors, with numbers and with "what's your name?"

And now, the fear is gone. Hunger replaced it. I want to know about classifiers, word order, verbs and facial expressions. I want to know more about ASL, Deaf culture and art, I want to know more about other people who have lost their hearing. I need vocabulary, I want to leave my aids in a drawer, I want to be me- stand on the line between hearing and deafness- drinking with the jims (beam and Morrison)--grieving what's been lost, celebrating what's been gained and loving music in silence.

It's shocking how much a year has changed my hands, my outlook and my ability to trust that I am not perfect but growing perfectly.